Understanding Shame and Midlife Transformation: Ben Larke

In this conversation, we explore the fundamental difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I did something wrong”. Shame says “I am wrong”. That distinction matters enormously because guilt can be addressed through action, but shame attacks our very identity.

What makes shame so powerful? Ben explains how our nervous systems become wired through early experiences. If you grew up feeling fundamentally “not enough”—whether through comparison to siblings, unmet emotional needs, or the simple absence of unconditional validation—your brain learned to operate in a state of shame. It became familiar territory.
For many men, that familiar territory includes compulsive behaviours carried out in secret. Drinking alone at 2am. Pornography. Online shopping. Whatever the outlet, the pattern is the same: we’re trying to escape one pain by creating another. These behaviours aren’t random—they serve a function, even when they’re destructive.

The conversation takes a fascinating turn when Ben introduces his metaphor of the car. Inside each of us are multiple “parts”—the traumatised child, the competent adult, the angry teenager. Only one gets to sit in the driver’s seat at any moment. The challenge isn’t eliminating the difficult parts; it’s learning to have a compassionate adult reach back and hold the hand of the traumatised child who’s still in the back seat.

We explore why midlife often becomes the moment when everything catches up. You’ve been moving fast your whole life—next job, next country, next achievement. Then life slows you down. You’ve arguably “made it”. And suddenly, all that unprocessed material from your past demands attention.

Ben’s own story of reinvention offers hope. At 42, burned out from humanitarian work and grappling with his own demons, he returned to a passion he’d abandoned in his twenties. The journey wasn’t easy—it required financial risk, family support, and years of retraining. But it led him to work that feels like what he was “meant to do all along”.

His advice for starting? Find someone you trust and tell them your secret. Not necessarily a therapist—it could be a friend, a mentor, anyone who can hold space without judgement. That act of sharing often shrinks the monster in the closet down to size. What felt enormous and defining inside your head becomes manageable once it’s out in the light.

Most importantly, Ben reminds us that we don’t need to be perfect. When we catch ourselves repeating patterns we swore we’d never repeat—when we become our fathers despite our best intentions—the work isn’t to shame ourselves further. It’s to notice, to be compassionate, and to choose differently tomorrow.

Because what we don’t transform, we transmit. And midlife gives us the chance to break that cycle.