What happens when you look at your wife or partner across the breakfast table or when watching television in the evening time and you feel conflicted. You know you love her. You remember the days of unbridled lust and wonder what has changed in recent years. The sense of ‘there is no other couple in the world who love each other like we do’ has been replaced by a sense of regular familiarity and invisibility, to each other. Thinking about your spouse can surface feeing’s of confusion on a good day and a sense of dread on bad days; Quietly and over time a question keeps nudging to be answered, am I in love with this woman, anymore?

What has life got to do with it?

It is easy to blame her, your spouse. Afterall, you married the exciting and thrilling version of her and in front of you now is a different version of that same person. But that overlooks the obvious, change is inevitable and indeed, essential. Normal life transitions happen as we travel through adulthood, and they shape us. Transitions including getting into a career, working hard and receive promotions, have, and raising children, moving from all night partying to midnight nappy changes, swapping weekends with university friends to spending Saturday afternoon with fellow first – time parents at two-year-old birthday parties. As William James, father of modern American psychology noted, life happens in the transitions.

Yet, men often hold a static view of our partners. We remember them as who they were as opposed to appreciating who they are now. For some men it feels like they have been left down as if an unspoken promise has been broken.

What happens to your romantic connection over time?

Disconnecting happens slowly and over time. It feels like drifting away from each other in a moving river and rarely feels like suddenly going over some deep-water rapids. We move from having deep interest in everything they think about only having surface level conversations that are friendly but polite. Lustful and enjoyable sex becomes routine sex on a Sunday morning and later becomes only sex on special occasions. Affection is overtaken by apathy. The risk we fall into is taking each other for granted and not even realizing that we are doing so. Relationships Australia, the leading service to help couples navigate relationships at risk, says, we are continually making choices in how we are showing up in our relationship, including choosing apathy.

What are better choices then if we don’t want to fall out of love with our spouse?

According to Dr. Glenn Graves, PhD, a marriage counselor, there are some mindsets and behaviours to cultivate as we move into mid-life and want to not only love our partner but be in love with her or him.

1. Be curious about who they are now and what is interesting to them. Ask questions that are beyond the routine ones such as replace, “how was your day today?” and replace it with “what is important to you that we are not chatting about”?

• Show some vulnerability by sharing what is changing for you and what is emerging as important in your life. Have a conversation that opens with, ‘You remember when I used to love running half marathons and I have not run a race in ten years? I am thinking I would like to take up something active that would be fun and healthy as I want to be around for a long time. Have you any thoughts on what that could be”?

• Esther Perel, the famous author and psychotherapist, says your sex life becomes boring when your life becomes boring! She recommends remembering what flirting was and how you enjoyed flirting with her in your early dates. Set up a date night but go for a walk before you have dinner and leave your phone at home to enable an actual conversation. Emotional intimacy is built on attention and appreciation, not on grand gestures.

• Become interested in what is different in your lives, what is currently changing and lean into that conversation together. Explore together what is interesting and good about those changes.

• Remember if you are falling out of love with her, she may well be on the same trajectory with you.

What will you do tonight?

Life changes and entering midlife is a great time to pause and reflect on the changes that have happened unconsciously to allow you to consciously plan future changes. Living gracefully into our second half of life means there will be some ungraceful moments too. Falling out of love does not have to be one of those unconscious and ungraceful acts. But it so often is. When you look at her tonight what will you do to ensure that does not happen for you?

There’s a reason the podcast Don’t Let the Old Man In resonates with thousands of men in their 50s. It speaks to the quiet war many fight against obsolescence, irrelevance, and a determination to navigate life’s crossroads with clarity and confidence. And likewise, if you’re reading this, you haven’t given up. You’re still curious. Maya Angelou once said, “If you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” Midlife career change isn’t about being extraordinary. It’s about being aligned—with yourself.

Pod O’Sullivan is the host of the Don’t Let the Old Man In podcast. Listen on YouTube, Apple, Spotify or wherever you tune in. Find more thoughts on living gracefully (and disgracefully) in the second half of life at The Wisdom Vault, on LinkedIn, Substack and even (!) Instagram.

Example 1: “How to Reconnect After Growing Apart: 8 Relationship Tips” – PsychCentral

Synopsis:
This article explores why couples grow apart over time, emphasizing that routine, responsibilities, and lack of quality time can erode intimacy. It offers practical strategies for rekindling connection, such as focusing on small daily gestures, having honest conversations about feelings, and intentionally spending distraction-free time together.

Key Points:

• Relationships require ongoing intentionality and care.
• Small acts of kindness and gratitude matter more than grand gestures.
• Honest, sometimes difficult, conversations are crucial for emotional intimacy.
• Scheduling regular “power hours” for open dialogue can help couples reconnect.

Use in Article:
The writer can draw on this source to illustrate that rediscovering a spouse is about daily curiosity and commitment, not just dramatic reinvention. It provides actionable advice for men seeking to reintroduce themselves to their partners and underscores the importance of evolving together rather than taking each other for granted.

Synopsis:
This piece encourages couples to see each other as evolving individuals with dreams and histories. It suggests practical ways to reconnect, such as exploring shared interests, engaging in new activities together, and nurturing physical intimacy. The article stresses that both partners are responsible for maintaining and renewing the relationship.

Key Points:

• Recognize your partner’s growth and dreams beyond the marriage.
• Shared activities (music, spiritual practices, new hobbies) can foster intimacy.
• Physical touch, like massage, is a direct route to rekindling affection.
• View your partner as a “new old friend” and embrace the adventure of rediscovery.

Use in Article:
This source supports the theme that your wife is not the same woman you married, and that’s a good thing. The writer can use these insights to encourage readers to approach their partners with curiosity and respect for who they are now, not just who they were.