On a recent boy’s football week away, I noticed Jimmy drank from midday onwards until 2 am. Not one day but four days in a row. Beers, Ales, Guinness, Cabernets, and the odd cocktail. When you find your hands are trembling so much you cannot hold your glass, then mate you are drinking too much. Jimmy found that after four days of intense drinking his DT’s were so bad, he could not bring his glass to his mouth to drink wine. It shocked him and shocked us. I told him, he was drinking too much, and I was concerned.

Am I judging my friend?

Is that a judgement call by me of his behaviour? Yes, absolutely. And it came from a place of friendship. Lucky for me I have a great friend in Jimmy who took my comment as it was offered, and he listened. The next day he did not drink anything and capped his alcohol intake to five per day for the rest of our tour.  Not every man does. It does raise important questions on how adults in our mid-lives who grew up with alcohol as a central part of our social lives, navigate life without alcohol. Many of us walk into mid-life blindly and find out too late that we have over indexed some habits and patterns that no longer serve us. Depending on alcohol is often one of those. Learning how to socialise as a sober person is often very hard as we have to unlearn long practised behaviours and learn new ones.

Changing can be hard

Antoun Issa, writing in The Guardian, tells of his personal journey of forging friendships and social connections after giving up alcohol. Initially sceptical and socially anxious, Antoun describes the awkwardness, self-doubt, and eventual liberation that comes with learning to socialize sober. He says, especially for men who are accustomed to bonding over drinks, socializing without alcohol can feel isolating and uncomfortable at first. His experience is backed up by Michele Lin, a researcher on loneliness at Swinburne University. In a recent report on loneliness, she acknowledges that our friendship circles change as we get older but many of us cling to old habits that no longer serve us or our friendship groups. Drinking heavily as a university student might have been fun and created minimal physical impacts the next day. But as a man in his mid-fifties, this may be no longer the case. The impacts now are physical, psychological and often social in nature.

How can mates help each other to drink less?

The Tree House Recovery is a specialist group in the treatment of alcohol overuse. They recommend a number of actions to consider enabling a friend to drink less or stop altogether.

• Start by organising outdoor actives that do not involve alcohol. Mountain biking, surfing, or hiking a trail are a few ways to bond with your mates while engaging in some adventurous pursuits. Neuroscience suggests that outdoor activity can boost endorphins naturally, offer a collective fun or bonding experience, which in turn then creates new neural pathways in the brain, ie learn to have and experience having fun that does not actually involve alcohol.
• Take up Hyrox. Actually, take up any sport. Dr. Gordon Spence, author of Healthy Aging, tells a story of one man in his fifties who took up fencing for the first time. He found something he was surprisingly good at and within a year of starting he was actively competing. Ten years later he was still actively involved in competing but had also developed a leadership role in the sport administration at a national level.
• Do a month’s free from alcohol together. Joining the Dry July campaign and raise money for a charity together that is important to each of your friends. Partaking in a month’s effort as a group gives your mate who is drinking too much some cover as to why he is not drinking.
• Recreate a new sense of purpose by joining a charity organization or meetup group. Getting sober is a great way to expand your horizons and meet like-minded people. Ned, a retired teaching friend of mine, got involved in a refugee support charity in Sydney. He found that his spare time could be better spent helping refugees from Iran, Pakistan, Cambodia, Thailand and many other countries settle into their new home.
• Make the process into a fun challenge for each other. Be competitive in not drinking!  Declare War on the “Hangxiety” by writing your hungover alter ego a breakup letter: “Dear Hungover Me, I’m tired of waking up with regret and Googling ‘Is three drinks a problem?” Or have a Name Your Beer Belly competition. Call it something dramatic like “The Alephant” or “Sir Chugsalot”. Then stage an epic farewell ceremony for it: “Today we bury The Alephant.”

At the end of the day every man is responsible for his own choices and actions. But it is not hard to slide into habits that then take over those choices. As we get older and hit up against all of life’s challenges it is often easy to find comfort in a glass or bottle, particularly if the social occasions of life are in the same environment. None of us are islands. We depend on each other. Maya Angelou the American poet once remarked ‘to remember to extend grace as we are all just walking each other home’. In that light we have permission to say, “Mate you are drinking too much, and I am concerned for you. Let me help”.

There’s a reason the podcast Don’t Let the Old Man In resonates with thousands of men in their 50s. It speaks to the quiet war many fight against obsolescence, irrelevance, and a determination to navigate life’s crossroads with clarity and confidence. And likewise, if you’re reading this, you haven’t given up. You’re still curious. Maya Angelou once said, “If you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” Midlife career change isn’t about being extraordinary. It’s about being aligned—with yourself.

Pod O’Sullivan is the host of the Don’t Let the Old Man In podcast. Listen on YouTube, Apple, Spotify or wherever you tune in. Find more thoughts on living gracefully (and disgracefully) in the second half of life at The Wisdom Vault, on LinkedIn, Substack and even (!) Instagram.