If there’s one thing that all too many men fail to realise in their marriages, it’s that the woman they’re sleeping next to isn’t the one they married. Now don’t panic, this isn’t a crisis of stolen identity; spending years or even decades with your wife may have led to being blind to how you’ve both changed over time. 

It’s a simple fact of humanity that the experiences, traumas and banalities of life change us in small ways that add up over time. You might have recently begun to feel that your partner in life just isn’t the same person that you used to know. Well, that’s because she isn’t! And neither are you. 

As a marriage moves past its early years, there are many things (children, careers, health, stress) that reshape us and affect us in major ways. As much as we might hate to admit it, us men often assume a kind of “static” understanding of our wives; we still view her as that girl we married instead of the ever-evolving woman that she is. 

When a marriage grows apart, more often than not it feels like drifting rather than a traumatic break. You might have felt this, too: surface level conversations, losing affection for one another, or just having less energy for it all than you used to. The most critical thing for men to remember in their marriage’s middle years is not to take each other for granted. 

If you’ve felt these subtle shifts in your own marriage, it can be a scary thing. But here lies an opportunity, not a failure; reintroducing yourself to your wife and taking the time to relearn each other can build your marriage back up, even stronger than before. 

Here are some attitudes you can take to get the ball rolling in the right direction. 

Be CURIOUS: There’s a whole new person to explore. 

Ask better questions and dig deeper. Don’t settle for stock standard questions like “how was your day?”, even if you truly mean them! Asking inquisitive things like “what’s been on your mind lately?” show your partner that you’re still curious, and open up the conversation to grander topics. This is your chance to really find out how your wife has evolved during the time she’s spent alongside you. I’m willing to bet there’s a whole word of things for you both to discover. 

Be VULNERABLE: don’t be afraid to show her how you have changed now, too. 

It’s not just one of you that’s changed. You’re a different man as well! Take the time to look in the mirror and consider how your attitudes have changed over time. What excites you? What are you afraid of? What do you hope for next?

This might seem like overkill, but this sort of intentional thinking is exactly what’s necessary to nurture a connection with your partner. 

Be THOUGHTFUL: Think back on those first date rituals from years ago. 

What sort of activities did you take her to? What was the conversation like? All that time ago, you weren’t worried about fixing each other’s problems, your shared burdens or struggles, it was pure focus on getting to know one another. If you feel like there might be a spark missing from your marriage, maybe you’ve been going about date night the wrong way. 

Romantic walks, intimate dinners, these are popular first date ideas for a reason! They are perfect conversation starters and allow you to spend conscious and intentional time with your wife. 

Now, all of these attitudes can spiral off into a million things for you to put into action, but if there’s one takeaway you should keep in mind it’s this: grand gestures don’t make a healthy marriage, tiny moments do. Take the time to understand your partner now that you’ve both grown over your life journey. Sure, a bouquet of roses is nice, but do you know what her favourite flower is?

It can be confronting to know that you and your wife have changed since you first met. The important thing is to fight through this fear and recognise that it’s a good, natural part of life. This stage of your marriage isn’t about trying to get your old wife back, but falling for who she is now. 

So, fellas, if you’re feeling stuck and feel like something needs to change, try asking her something you’ve never asked before. You might hear an answer you’d never expect.

There’s a reason the podcast Don’t Let the Old Man In resonates with thousands of men in their 50s. It speaks to the quiet war many fight against obsolescence, irrelevance, and a determination to navigate life’s crossroads with clarity and confidence. And likewise, if you’re reading this, you haven’t given up. You’re still curious. Maya Angelou once said, “If you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” Midlife career change isn’t about being extraordinary. It’s about being aligned—with yourself.

Osh O’Sullivan is the editor of the Don’t Let the Old Man In podcast. Listen on YouTube, Apple, Spotify or wherever you tune in. Find more thoughts on living gracefully (and disgracefully) in the second half of life at The Wisdom Vault, on LinkedIn, Substack and even (!) Instagram.